1
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[BELLS RINGING]                 

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[ENGINE REVS]                   

3
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[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY    

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TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]     

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>> � IF THE LORD                

6
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WERE ALIVE TODAY                

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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM         

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THIS CHRISTMAS?                 

9
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WHAT DO YOU GIVE SOMEONE        

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WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE? �  

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>> � HE CAN HEAL THE SICK       

12
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SO DON'T GIVE HIM THE LAST RITES

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HE CAN WALK ON WATER            

14
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DON'T GIVE HIM OUR SUPPORT �

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>> � EVERY TIME YOU HEAR A BELL 

16
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AN ANGEL BURNS IN HELL �        

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>> � IF THE LORD                

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WERE ALIVE TODAY                

19
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WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM         

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THIS CHRISTMAS?                 

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GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE 

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AT PIZZA JOE'S �                

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>> MERRY CRUSTMAS               

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FROM PIZZA JOE'S.               

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HO HO HO.                       

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>> AND NOW BACK TO THE JOYOUS   

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SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS.            

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS   

30
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IS MY TWO FRONT EYES            

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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... �   

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>> OREL, MOVE!                  

33
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>> OREL, FOR GOODNESS SAKE,     

34
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DO WHATEVER HE WANTS            

35
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SO HE WON'T SCREAM ANYMORE.     

36
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>> BUT, MOM, I'M ALL            

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THE WAY OVER.                   

38
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>> PRAISE THE LORD, WE'RE HERE. 

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>> � ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS   

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IS MY TWO FRONT EYES            

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BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN              

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A GOOD ENOUGH BOY �

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>> I'D LIKE TO WISH A VERY      

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SPECIAL FIRST MERRY CHRISTMAS TO

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OUR JEWS FOR JESUS FRIENDS.     

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YOU KNOW, DURING THIS JOYOUS    

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SEASON, IT IS EASY TO FORGET THE

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TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.      

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WHAT CHRISTMAS IS REALLY ABOUT  

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IS THE BIRTH OF THAT CUTE LITTLE

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BABY WHO WOULD GROW UP TO DIE   

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AN UNBELIEVABLY HORRIBLE DEATH  

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FOR OUR SINS.                   

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YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. 

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>> JESUS.                       

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>> OUR SAVIOR, BORN FROM AN

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ATTRACTIVE VIRGIN NAMED MARY.   

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JESUS WAS AN UNPLANNED BIRTH    

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THAT REALLY MADE A NAME         

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FOR ITSELF.                     

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LIKE, IF JOSEPH REFUSED TO LET  

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THE BABY GROW WITHIN MARY,      

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WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS BUILDING    

64
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WOULD BE RIGHT NOW.             

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MAYBE EVEN A SYNAGOGUE.         

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>> [COLLECTIVE GASP]            

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>> BUT BECAUSE JOSEPH HAD THE   

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MORAL GOODNESS TO RAISE THE     

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SURPRISE, WE ARE SAFE AND WARM  

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HERE IN A PROTESTANT CHURCH.

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AMEN AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.       

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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHURCHY.    

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REVEREND PUTTY?                 

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>> YES, OREL?                   

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>> I AGREE WITH YOU THAT IT WAS 

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GOOD THAT THEY DIDN'T KILL THE  

77
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BABY JESUS BEFORE HE WAS BORN.  

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>> OH, YOU THINK SO, CAPTAIN?   

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>> UH-HUH, BUT IT'S STILL TOO   

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BAD THAT GROWNUP JESUS HAD TO   

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DIE EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T       

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AS CUTE.                        

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>> OH, HE'LL BE BACK.           

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>> REALLY?

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>> YEP.                         

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IN FACT, HE MAY ALREADY BE HERE.

87
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THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE CHILD   

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RIGHT NOW RUNNING AROUND        

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SOMEWHERE WHO'S THE             

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SECOND COMING.                  

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>> COOL.                        

92
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THE SECOND COMING.              

93
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>> BUT THIS TIME,               

94
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HE WON'T BE AS NICE.            

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>> HEY, OREL, MOVE!             

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>> SORRY, SHAPE!                

97
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BYE, REVEREND!                  

98
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, OREL.       

100
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>> MM-HMM.                      

101
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THERE WE GO.                    

102
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>> ONE LAST TOUCH.              

103
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>> CAN I THIS YEAR, DAD?        

104
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>> HMM?                         

105
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WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE          

106
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OLD ENOUGH.                     

107
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>> [SNIFFS]                     

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MMM.                            

109
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IT SMELLS LIKE A WHOLE FOREST OF

110
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LEMONS AND HAIRSPRAY.           

111
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>> [SNIFFS]                     

112
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MMM.

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THAT IT DOES.                   

114
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OK, TIME FOR BED, BOYS.         

115
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SANTA'S COMING SOON, AND HE     

116
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KNOWS KIDS WHO STAY UP LATE     

117
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ARE JERKS.                      

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>> NO!                          

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>> OREL, TEND TO YOUR BROTHER.  

120
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>> AND TRY TO KEEP HIM QUIET    

121
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OR HE'LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS.    

122
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>> YES, MOM.                    

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>> GOOD NIGHT.                  

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>> GOOD NIGHT.                  

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>> NO!                          

126
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AAH!

127
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>> ARE YOU DECENT?              

128
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>> HOLD ON.                     

129
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OK.                             

130
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>> WELL, THAT WAS A MORTIFYING  

131
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SERMON TODAY.                   

132
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>> OH, COME ON.                 

133
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CAN'T WE HAVE ONE GOOD NIGHT?   

134
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>> YOU KNOW THE REVEREND WAS    

135
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REFERRING TO YOU NOT            

136
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WANTING SHAPEY.                 

137
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>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS.           

138
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HOW WOULD HE EVEN KNOW?         

139
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>> DON'T BE AN IDIOT.           

140
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EVERYONE KNOWS YOU

141
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DIDN'T WANT HIM.                

142
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>> YEAH, WELL, I HAD MY REASONS.

143
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I THINK IT'S KINDA STRANGE THAT 

144
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I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER CONCEIVING

145
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THIS KID.                       

146
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>> PLEASE, WHEN DO YOU EVER     

147
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,365
REMEMBER?                       

148
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:30,569
>> ALL I DO IS TRY TO FORGET.   

149
00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:33,005
AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S YOURS.   

150
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>> PLEASE, GOD, LET THIS BE THE 

151
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BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.            

152
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AMEN.                           

153
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OH, AND IF JESUS IS ALREADY BACK

154
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HERE ON EARTH, PLEASE TELL HIM

155
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TO COME BY SO I CAN MEET HIM.   

156
00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:48,020
I'M SURE YOU KNOW HE'S BEEN MY  

157
00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:50,288
PERSONAL HERO FOR YEARS NOW.    

158
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,925
AMEN AGAIN.                     

159
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:56,228
GOSH, IF JESUS IS AROUND AND    

160
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,263
NOBODY KNOWS IT, HE'LL BE ALL   

161
00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:00,465
ALONE ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THAT'S

162
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JUST NOT RIGHT.                 

163
00:05:02,668 --> 00:05:05,103
OH, I BETTER GO ASK DAD, SEE    

164
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WHAT HE THINKS I SHOULD DO.     

165
00:05:08,874 --> 00:05:11,243
>> HOW DID WE EVEN GET HERE?    

166
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,911
>> LOOK, JUST GET OVER IT.      

167
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:14,313
>> HOW CAN I GET OVER IT.       

168
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,313
I NEVER ASKED FOR A SECOND

169
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:16,981
CHILD, AND THEN BOOM, SHAPEY    

170
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,618
MAGICALLY APPEARS.              

171
00:05:19,785 --> 00:05:21,553
EXPLAIN THAT.                   

172
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:23,756
>> SHAPEY!                      

173
00:05:27,893 --> 00:05:29,194
>> BUT THIS TIME,               

174
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,864
HE WON'T BE AS NICE.            

175
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:34,232
>> BEHOLD, THE SECOND COMING    

176
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OF OUR LORD.                    

177
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HALLELUJAH!                     

178
00:05:37,803 --> 00:05:38,903
>> AH, HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK     

179
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,639
ANYTHING LIKE ME.               

180
00:05:40,806 --> 00:05:43,007
WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!         

181
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,343
>> YOU ARE DISGUSTING.          

182
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,846
I WANT A DIVORCE.

183
00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:48,647
>> FINE.                        

184
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I'M GONE.                       

185
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:51,816
LIVE IT UP, BABY!               

186
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,085
[SLAM]                          

187
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,153
>> GOLLY, THIS IS GOING TO BE   

188
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,589
THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.        

189
00:05:57,757 --> 00:05:59,291
>> AAH!                         

190
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>> YAY!                         

191
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,768
CHRISTMAS MORNING!              

192
00:06:09,935 --> 00:06:12,270
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY       

193
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,206
BIRTHDAY, FIRST JESUS, AND      

194
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,407
THANKS FOR MAKING MY LITTLE     

195
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:19,812
BROTHER THE SECOND YOU.         

196
00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:22,847
MOM, DAD, IT'S THE BEST

197
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,116
CHRISTMAS EVER!                 

198
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,250
I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT      

199
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:26,251
TO TELL YOU.                    

200
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,252
[KNOCKING]                      

201
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,553
HEY, OPEN UP.                   

202
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,289
YOU HAVE TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS. 

203
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:34,360
OH, WELL, I GUESS IT CAN WAIT.  

204
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:39,231
� I SHALL DRUM FOR YOU �        

205
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:45,470
� DRUM, DRUMMY DRUM �           

206
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:49,674
>> SHUT UP!                     

207
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,110
>> YES, LORD.                   

208
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:18,370
OW!                             

209
00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:18,837
OH.                             

210
00:07:19,004 --> 00:07:20,038
>> HA HA HA!

211
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:21,640
>> THANK YOU, SAVIOR.           

212
00:07:21,807 --> 00:07:23,041
WHAT'S THE NEW PLAN?            

213
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,077
>> PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT!   

214
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:26,545
>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT ON      

215
00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:28,380
SOME...                         

216
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,316
LEAD THE WAY, LORD, I FOLLOW.   

217
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:32,917
� IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE        

218
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:33,485
TODAY... �                      

219
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:34,753
>> AAH!                         

220
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,188
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, MASTER?   

221
00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:38,156
>> NO PRESENTS.                 

222
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:39,658
>> OH, WELL, MOM AND DAD AREN'T 

223
00:07:39,825 --> 00:07:41,526
UP YET, SO...                   

224
00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:42,895
HMM...

225
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:45,330
IF THE LORD WERE ALIVE TODAY,   

226
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:45,998
WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM         

227
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,800
AT CHRISTMAS?                   

228
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,768
COME ON, LORD, GET DRESSED.     

229
00:07:49,935 --> 00:07:52,604
I'LL GET YOU A PRESENT.         

230
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:53,472
>> AH!                          

231
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:54,172
AH!                             

232
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,240
AH!                             

233
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,909
NO!                             

234
00:07:57,076 --> 00:07:58,843
>> OK, OK, CHRIST CHILD, JUST   

235
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,945
WAIT OUT HERE.                  

236
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,383
[MUSIC PLAYING]                 

237
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:08,453
>> YAY, SWING.                  

238
00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,689
YAY!

239
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,429
YAY!                            

240
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,738
>> SHAPEY?                      

241
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:28,741
>> [HUMMING]                    

242
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,576
>> LOOK, SHAPEY, I--            

243
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:34,513
THE APOCALYPSE BEGINS.          

244
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,848
YAY!                            

245
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,482
>> STUPID PEOPLE!               

246
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,684
>> THE CHRIST HAS SPOKEN.       

247
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,087
TAKE THAT, HEATHEN.             

248
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,060
>> MRS. PUFFINGTON,             

249
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:49,794
REVEREND PUTTY HERE.            

250
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,063
MERRY CHRISTMAS.                

251
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:53,766
SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS...        

252
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:56,635
>> WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

253
00:08:56,802 --> 00:08:57,602
>> HA HA!                       

254
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,538
MOM, GUESS WHAT!                

255
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,407
DAD ISN'T SHAPEY'S FATHER.      

256
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,742
>> I KNOW THAT, OREL.           

257
00:09:03,909 --> 00:09:05,310
>> THEN YOU FIGURED IT OUT.     

258
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,279
OUR SHAPEY, THE SECOND SON      

259
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,448
OF GOD.                         

260
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:10,482
>> HUH.                         

261
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,851
I WISH GOD WAS HIS FATHER.      

262
00:09:13,018 --> 00:09:15,387
>> UH, WHERE'S DAD?             

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>> HE LEFT HOME.                

264
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,159
WE'RE SPLITTING UP.             

265
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,228
>> BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS.          

266
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,263
WE CAN'T SPEND IT WITHOUT HIM.

267
00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:26,965
>> THEN I SUGGEST YOU GO FIND   

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00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,433
YOUR PRECIOUS FATHER AND THE TWO

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OF YOU SPEND CHRISTMAS TOGETHER.

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00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:33,005
[CAR DRIVES OFF]                

271
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:38,310
>> � IF THE LORD                

272
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:39,712
WERE ALIVE TODAY                

273
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:40,512
WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM         

274
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,980
THIS CHRISTMAS?                 

275
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,648
WHAT WILL YOU GIVE SOMEONE      

276
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:46,251
WHO HAS EVERYTHING AND MORE?    

277
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,153
HE CAN HEAL THE SICK            

278
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:48,987
AND MORE... �                   

279
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:50,555
>> OH, CHEER UP, CLAY.          

280
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,324
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FAMILY,

281
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,658
YOU'RE AN INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE 

282
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,160
GUY, AND YOUR WIFE IS           

283
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,929
AUTOMATICALLY SEXY BY           

284
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,063
ASSOCIATION.                    

285
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,364
AND OREL IS ONE OF THE BEST     

286
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,265
LONG-DISTANCE RUNNERS           

287
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,333
ON MY TEAM.                     

288
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,801
WHO CARES IF YOUR SECOND KID    

289
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:03,936
WAS A MISTAKE AND WON'T LET     

290
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,171
HIMSELF BE WEANED.              

291
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:07,772
AT LEAST HE'S CUTE.             

292
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:08,873
>> YEAH, YEAH.                  

293
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:09,808
>> DON'T WORRY.                 

294
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:10,875
SHE'LL NEVER GO THROUGH

295
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,377
WITH THE DIVORCE.               

296
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,612
>> THANKS, DANIEL.              

297
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:14,847
SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD PUT    

298
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,648
YOUR BRAIN IN MY WIFE'S HEAD.   

299
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,517
>> HA HA.                       

300
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,919
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CLAY.          

301
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:22,521
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.             

302
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,322
>> � WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE HIM    

303
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,758
THIS CHRISTMAS?                 

304
00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:28,260
GIVE HIM A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE 

305
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,261
FROM PIZZA JOE'S                

306
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:33,832
MM-MM �                         

307
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:37,202
>> BOY, GOD, THIS SURE DIDN'T   

308
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,637
TURN OUT TO BE THE BEST

309
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,373
CHRISTMAS EVER.                 

310
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,641
BUT YOU STILL HAVE TWO MINUTES  

311
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:47,146
LEFT, AND I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.  

312
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[WIND BLOWS]                    

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[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY    

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00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,524
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]     

315
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[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL      

316
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:00,825
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE            

317
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--www.ncicap.org--]